Friday, October 3, 2008
Break Up w/ Brandon
Well, it's true. We've broken up. I am going to try and deliver this in a brief chronological timeline, with as much emotional distance as possible.
SUNDAY SEP 14
We return from a fun weekend with friends in the Redwood forests by Santa Cruz. Was a great weekend.
While on Facebook that night, I realize we still have not changed our facebook statuses to indicate we are dating. Well, we have been dating for awhile now, I figure. This is no fly-by-night thing. We should change our status. So I sound an email to my boyfriend indicating that we should.
I IM with later that night and he avoids talking about the email I sent. Frustrated I bring it up. He avoids it even more and says he wants to go to bed. Fine.
Vexed, I leave a voicemail message on his phone about how frustrated I am with his little evasive game. This frustration is fed by other incidences which make me feel like he just sometimes plays a game to avoid talking about things he doesn't want to (which sometimes feels like just about anything).
The entire night I worry about that voicemail and I can't sleep. Have I seriously fucked things up? Why did I let my anger get the better of me?
I wake up the next morning exhausted having gotten little sleep and head over to this temporary job I got posing for an art school every morning form 9-12.
At this point I can't remember if I left a second message last night or in the morning, but I leave second message saying I am sorry and that I want to talk to him, because, first of all, I feel we need to talk about why he clearly doesn't want to change his status and secondly I want to discuss my frustration with feeling like I am always the one bringing stuff up and that I think it is ridiculous to be dating for almost four months and still feeling like I cant express myself emotionally.
So I go to pose and I feel wrought with anxiety that I may have just done something to begin the demise of me and Brandon, that perhaps he will be like "Whoa! This is way more drama than I want. Good-bye."
I feel so sick that I may lose Brandon.
On my break, I randomly run into Brandon's best friend, Renato on the street. I feel the overwhelming desire to fall into Renato's arms and weep that I am afraid I am going to lose Brandon. I want to sit with Renato and have him help me understand this confusing man I am dating and sleeping with.
Of course, I do not do this. I have to go back to work and he is with a friend.
I spend the rest of the day looking and feeling like crap. I don't really remember what else happens.
It is Monday night that Brandon and I speak and he sounds like his normal self and like there is absolutely no reason for concern. I am relived. We are us. We are fine. We will continue to be us.
He apologizes for not being available this morning and we agree to meet and talk on Wed.
Don't really remember, except that I feel better and like my life will be fine and I can focus on school. I am anxious because that night of little sleep threw a wrench in my entire already very full week and I am worried now about getting everything done that I need to get done with the hours I will have to put in to make up for my sleep deficiency.
The day goes well. I want to look my best for Brandon that night, but I dont have time. So I dont shave, don't do my hair (kind of looked passable), and tried to dress nicely for the day.
I talk to my mom and dad on the phone. It is actually a really good, long conversation. We talk about life and my mother confides in me some of things going on in the family. She and my father both express pleasure at how happy and at peace I sound. This pleases me because i hope this is the beginning of them realizing I am genuinely more happy.
I am talking to my mom on my way over to Brandon's house for our talk.
I arrive and everything is fine and seems normal. Brandon is hungry (and so am I), so we make dinner together in his kitchen as we often have. There is sharing of the day's occurrences, there is joking, kisses, affection. It is good.
We agree to watch a video while we eat and watch the end of the video while we cuddle on the couch. It is really perfect.
When that video is done, Brandon brightly proposes we watch Project Runway.
But, um, I am kind of here to talk. I did not make time in my schedule to come over here just to lie around and watch TV!
Brandon is resigned, and we sit to talk. Sequences of everything are muddled.
It does come out that Brandon didn't want to talk because he would rather have us cuddling, feeling nice, and everything staying the same.
But the truth comes out. Brandon did not want to change his status because he does not see us as being a long-term thing, and he has kind of felt that way for a while. So. I am not marriage potential.
He has been holding back all along. He says he has wanted to feel this way for me, but something has been holding him back and he feels we are different places in our lives.
I am dismayed and at the same time I am kicking myself because I feel vindicated for every anxiety I have had gnawing in the back of my head that Brandon was indeed holding back. Every one of those anxieties I have fought hard to dismiss and to forgive any perceived short comings I saw in Brandon. I tried to be patient and understanding that he has a hard time expressing his feelings and tried to read the content of his heart in his actions (which have often been kind and affectionate and even loving). But I was right! I was right to think something was up.
And I felt like a fool. A fool for surrendering my heart to this man. A fool for once again believing in the possibility of love and happiness. How many times will I endure heart break before I realize this stuff is all for fools?
We talk and kiss and weep and cuddle for while longer, finally talking about some of the things that have been happening all along.
I weep because it is over, because this relationship that was making me so happy is over, and I am going to miss it terribly. I am going to miss Brandon, as my boyfriend, terribly. And I cry because I kind of hate myself for getting so emotionally involved and wonder if I had the capacity to be more emotionally non chalant if somehow this thing could still be going on.
Now I do not feel this way.
At one point, we are lying next each other, holding hands, and I think Brandon says something about wanting me to stay in touch and keep him informed about my life, because he doesn't want to lose me in his life. (I think it was something to that effect) And that is the moment when I cannot stand to have him touching me and when I cannot stand to be around him any longer. I am angry. I think, "Why the fuck do you even care? You just finished telling me how you don't care!" (Which is not a fair statement, I know.
I leave Brandon's house. And I reach into my phone to call on my best friends, Tai. She is an angel. She has helped me through so much crap this past summer.
My phone won't work! Sprint had sent me a couple of texts about paying my bill and I dismissed them because I could see on my bank statement that money had already gone to Sprint for this cycle. So they cut me off!!!
Well that snapped me out of my weeping, crushed, heart broken mess.
Actually, I see sawed between weeping, sobbing devastation and anger at trying to pay a bill over the phone in the middle of the night that I had already paid. I didn't care. I would fork over the cash now, and resolve the problem with Sprint later. I just needed to talk to someone.
I walked home that night rather than taking the subway or streetcar.
I thought by the time I got home I was done crying.
When my service was finally restored and I was able to call Tai, I realize I was not done.
I would not be done for awhile.
I woke up feeling and looking like crap. I dragged myself to the art school, dreading 3 hours of having nothing to do but sit there, stare into space, and think.
I managed to hold myself together pretty well, but did ask them to change one song they were playing while drawing, because it was a song about heartbreak and longing.
Unfortunately, I also was supposed to go to Renato's after work to retrieve jacket I had left in his car.
I spilled the beans to Renato. He seemed shocked and offered comfort and a hug. It was appreciated but also weird. The frustrating thing is, I moved back to SF and shortly thereafter started dating Brandon. I did not have a circle of friends who were in the city and who knew me and Brandon as a couple well and could thus offer not only comfort but validation and wisdom from first-hand experience.
I thank all of my dear friends who have said, "The idiot doesn't know what he's missing." (and you're right ;)), but that's not exactly something Renato could say.
The other thing that killed me was when Renato asked if it was for sure over or if there was the possibility of reconciliation, because you know what? The funny thing is I couldn't say! Brandon seemed uncertain if he wanted things to be over or not. How killer is that? Ugh!
The thing is, I knew that for me, I could not cling to the hope of reconciliation if I was going to heal and move on and most importantly if I was going to be able to pull myself together and get my school work done.
I left Renato's and sobbed on my way home. I hate sobbing in the streets. Although, this being San Francisco, I am sure they just thought I was some crazy druggie.
I went home and slept and considered skipping class. I had not done any of the homework. All of my time was being taken up with this stupid break up!! It could not have been more horribly timed. Just after my first week of classes. If this had happened a month ago, it would have been so much better. Instead, it has seriously fucked me up with my assignments and school. Grr!
I go to class and one of my new friends, Dave, is just great and supportive. Even though he is straight, and so some things are different, the language of heart break is universal.
I am glad to be in class. It takes my mind off of everything else, and I can feel productive.
I feel so much better! Hurray! I am over this whole mess! Wow. That was fast. It must be because I have grown so much.
As I leave work, I am even able to sing and laugh. I feel filled with joy and I feel like . . .myself! I am eager for the future. I embrace that I am once again single John. Living in the city. And the city is brimming with possibilities: yoga classes, art openings, volunteering, hip hop clubs, beautiful parks.
Travis (another one of my dear friends and one who thankfully lives in the area) insists on spending some time with me to help me through this time.
We meet up. Have some dinner. His Friday night plans have changed so we decide to go see a movie. The Women.
This kind of kills me because the last time Travis and I went to the movies was to see Sex and the City. So first of all that it seems like all we watch are chick flicks, but also, at that time I was just starting to see Brandon, I was seeing possibility with him, and was trying to figure out how end things with this Greek guy with whom dates were just weird and awkward.
So. My relationship with Brandon was pretty much bookended with a girl's night out with my dear friend, Travis, watching a chick flick. Weird. My life is just weird in general.
But once again, I feel great! I feel so good about myself because I am so enlightened and zen that I can take this sad event and move past it and look on it with some sadness, but overall just be accepting and forgiving and happy.
Wow. I am so progressed! And on it!
We shop for a bit after the movie and hang out at my place after the movie.
There are some kids playing rock instruments downstairs. I have never heard them do that before. I realize I can't remember the last time I was home on a Friday night. I am always at Brandon's.
I feel a little sad about that. Travis leaves.
I wake up in my bed to the chirp of a text. I am supposed to meet my friend Jessie at the Museum of Modern Art!!
@#$%!!!!! I am late! Fortunately so is she.
I try to high tail it, but it is difficult because I am struck by the fact that for the first time in a long time I have woken up on a Saturday morning in my own bed. This is not right. This is not where I belong. I feel depression weighing heavily on me.
I rush to meet Jessie. It has been six years!!! It is so good to see her and am amazed at how grown up she looks. It is also kind of weird because we have only recently reconnected, but pretty soon we are chatting away.
I use my Gap ID to get us free tickets to the Frida exhibition and we have lunch together.
The Frida exhibit was fine. It was my third time seeing it, so it was a little wearing in some ways trying to muster enthusiasm. I still feel a little depressed.
I am floored and excited by the exhibit on the 2nd floor of Chagall and his contemporaries. It's like one of my textbooks brought to life!!!
I loved that and Jessie and I actually ended up spending like 7 hours together, so it was a very full day.
Then I came home. And crawled into bed. And read funny blogs. And didnt feel like doing anything else. I hid from my roommates, not wanting to talk about it. I hid from everyone, not answering my phone. I think I even kept off of Messenger.
I may have gone to the gym.
I spent the entire day in bed. Reading funny blogs and watching SNL. I ventured out once to buy some groceries and then returned to the safe cocoon of my bed.
I got nothing done that weekend for school. I was even more screwed.
School kept me so busy, I didn't really have time to think of much else. I think Monday I was still depressed and could find myself wanting to cry. I still avoided my roommates. But mostly, blessedly, I kept busy with school. I did find myself missing Brandon at odd times. We exchanged a couple of emails. You know, the post break up "I hope we can be friends" emails.
It was Claudia's birthday. She is one of my great friends from art school (I know it seems like all of my friends are dear and great, but that's because when you move around as often as I do, you only keep in touch with the ones that count).
Her boyfriend tracked down my number through a friend of his who works at Brandon's office. So this coworker of Brandon's ask him for my number. Weird for everyone. Especially when Paul, Claudia's boyfriend invites the both of us to the party. I accept, but inform him it will only be one.
I go the party and preparing for it is kind of difficult. Friday night. I am getting ready to go out to this party that I was invited to with my boyfriend. Except I don't have a boyfriend. But I should have a boyfriend. And why don't I have boyfriend? Because of this crap that is somehow getting in the way of Brandon actually opening up.
I am getting ready for this evening and I am angry at Brandon.
I head out late and on my way out I pray to God that he will help me let go of this anger and be a positive influence at this party.
I arrive and it is a little weird because I don't know anyone there. I hate stuff like this. I always prefer to go with a friend or two to a party where i dont know anyone and am expected to mingle. You know, maybe even a partner. A boyfriend. But I am actually not angry, just wishing Brandon were there to at least be a wing man.
I meet Brandon's co-worker. I want to say his name is Jason. Maybe James. His wife's name is Jade. For the purposes of our story (and to get me to bed sooner), his name is James.
James and I hit it off! He is warm and personable and has a great sense of humor. His wife is great, too, and they are so cute together. Since we both know Brandon, of course, he does come up in conversation, and what kills me is as I am talking about him (and trying to not appear the slightest bit like the bitter ex) I realize, yeah he is a great guy. And our relationship? Well, overall it was pretty good. We are both pretty cool people who seem to balance each other out. So why they hell aren't we together???
Claudia and I are able to sit and chat and we set a date for meeting up in a couple of weeks so we can chat one on one.
I go to bed. Alone. Lame.
I dont really remember (it's getting late for me folks, and I will count it a miracle if you're still reading all of this). I think I went to the gym. I briefly go out to the neighborhood bar. This guy kind of starts getting flirty with me. I am not feeling it. I leave. I go home. Watch SNL. Go for a late night walk. Come home.
FIrst half of the day, more funny clips and SNL. I lose my patience with hanging out in bed. I have too much to do! Not to mention I have run out of clean socks and my sheets are past due.
I start getting my butt into gear.
Surprisingly, Brandon is on Messenger. As far as I know, he is NEVER on Messenger, except at work. Whenever we have IMed on a weekend (or after 7pm) it has been via Facebook. He pops and says "Hi." We have a truly weird conversation that kind of lasts most of the day, where we try being buddy buddy and friendly.
I am not sure if there is something specific he wants to say or if there is a direction in which he wants to chat.
It is nice to talk to him, though, so I maintain the conversation.
I do laundry, I do some homework, I clean my room abit (which at this point looks like a missing section of the local waste repository).
By Monday I am just so over being mopey about this whole thing. I have a life to live and I can't let this keep me in bed or depressed anymore! I have too much to do and a profession that requires me to be clever and witty and personable, not withdrawn, sleep deprived to the point of zero brain functioning, and perpetually late.
This past week has gone pretty okay. Yesterday and today were just fine. I have a busy weekend coming up, but honestly, I think even if I didn't, I would be okay. I have settled into single John again, and it is kind of nice to have my own schedule. I have even done a bit of flirting on-line, and that has been fun, but I am not eager to jump into a relationship right now. Even if I was, I don't know that i would really have the time.
It is funny, because as soon as Brandon and I broke up, I actually got hit on by all of these guys. Guys that had been pursuing me before Brandon and I dated suddenly popped up out of nowhere. I suddenly noticed men checking me out all over the place. A couple of guys asked me out on dates. And you know what? It all just infuriated me!!
At this point, it does not, but like I said I am not looking to start something up. At the same time, I want to build up a network of friends here in the city, and that means getting out there.
Next weekend I am going to Yosemite, but I think after that, I am really going to make an effort to put myself out there and meet new people.
I am just glad I have gotten all of this out there. Now I can blog about all of the fun stuff that has been happening! There have actually been quite a few things, but I haven't felt like I could until I blogged about this. And also, to be honest, I was kind of avoiding my blog for that first week.